I'm  been having some "holy shit" moments. I had an appointment with Noreen last week and heard baby's heartbeat for the first time. It's real. This is happening. I have it in my head that babies don't happen on the first try. My mind thinks you get pregnant and lose a baby before you get pregnant and have a live one.

Not this time. This is a baby that wants to be born.

Holy shit, right?

I've been reading a lot. I plowed through "Silent Knife" faster than I've ever read anything else. Though it's old, it's still so relevant today. It was so reassuring, and laid out the facts about cesareans and VBAC in a way that makes it hard for me to go on feeling scared or uncertain.

I also read "Baby Catcher: Chronicles of a Modern Midwife", which at some points had me howling with laughter and at other points sobbing into the sleeve of my shirt. It was so refreshing, either way, to read such a vast collection of stories about NORMAL BIRTH. I'm beginning to forget that what that even means.

I attended two births this month; the first was a stat c-section with no trial of labour, and the second was a very emotionally charged birth, my oldest friend, who was attempting a natural childbirth with a midwife, who stalled out at 4-5cm with a macrosomic and asynclintic baby after labouring for hours. Needless to say I feel a little like a kicked puppy.

What makes me think I can do it? I'm trying my best to prepare and I'm pulling all the stops, but lingering in the back of my brain is that horrible nagging fear of failure. What if I don't succeed?