Feeling Defeated

I feel so beaten down already. I called the Royal Alex to request my records and they told me it would take six weeks to get them. Am I wrong to think that's a little excessive? As if they aren't completely computerized. So I inquired how long it would take if my doctor ordered them, and she said "Well.... 24-48 hours". Right. So me wanting to be knowledgeable about my own health history is such a burden right? In any case, I booked an appointment with my family doctor. Somehow, the stars have aligned for me and his receptionist managed to squeeze me in on Friday at lunch time.  I'll have him request them for me, and hopefully have them early next week, so I can start to piece the details together.

I'm debating having him run Betas. I'm back and forth over whether or not I want to. One one hand, I am completely perplexed by my totally asymptomatic-ness. On the other hand, I spent my entire pregnancy with Lyra worrying about everything...

This is one issue I won't ever forget- prenatal testing and all of the awful, heartbreaking results that come out of them. They told me my daughter probably had down syndrome and/or cystic fibrosis, all because of a few clinically insignificant soft markers in her ultrasound. I assure you she has neither of those conditions. One of the doctors at the clinic even went so far as to tell to me the story of her 28 week stillborn baby. There is a time and a place for self-dosclosure, and that was definitely NOT one of them. it was completely inappropriate and I will never forget that.

Because of the horrible experiences we had with prenatal testing, I swore to myself I would never put myself through that again. Of course it's easy to say such a thing without being in that position again.  I know I have no reason to be worried- I'm not experiencing any pain, I'm not bleeding, my gut isn't telling me that something is wrong. I just don't trust my body. After everything I've been told about my reproductive system, how can I?

First, I was told that I might not be able to carry a pregnancy to term, because of my mutant uterus (muterus? LOL).  Then, when I did achieve pregnancy,  they told me there was something wrong with my baby. Then, weeks later at a scan they decided everything was fine. Of course as you know, after my birth experience, they told me my body was incompetent.

How can I move past these hurtful stigmas? How can I regain trust and faith in myself? Can I put to rest thee ideas that I am broken? How do you move past this?

Step One.

I have called and emailed every single midwife in the city. I am so fortunate to have been able to personally reach at least half of them. I had a very long conversation with Barb Scriver on Friday. She asked me to tell her my birth story, and I did so (as much as I could remember anyways), and she told me she could hear the hurt in my voice. She said she was obligated to give priority to repeat clients, but after that, she gives precedence to VBAC moms. I am hoping so badly that she accepts me into care. I felt so comfortable speaking with her.

In the forefront of my brain right is that conversation. As I was telling her my story, I was finding that I couldn't remember some of the details that I thought would be permanently ingrained into my mind. I can't remember what led to what, and why. I think in the time that has passed, subconsciously I have blocked a lot of it from my memory, because it is so incredibly painful to think about. I do believe that it is important for me to know what happened and to understand why, so I have just phone the Royal Alex and requested a copy of my hospital records. Maybe the clinical details will help me to piece it all back together.

Once I can assemble the clearer picture of what went on, I would like to share my birth story in it's entirety. For now, I only have a vague timeline, and my husband is no help in remembering. If you were to ask him, his account would be something along the lines of "She wet the bed during Grey's Anatomy, we didn't get any sleep, we walked around the closed food court, stuff happened, more stuff happened, I had to wear a stupid hat, they cut her open, and then Lyra was born". He's not very helpful.

I'm feeling positive today. Feel positive with me.

It begins.

This week, I was shocked to learn that I am pregnant.

This pregnancy is unplanned. It is not unwelcome, but being that I am the world's biggest control freak, being dealt a hand I didn't ask for is freaking me out. I am scared for myriad reasons. Will I love another baby as much as I love my daughter? When the new baby comes will I love my daughter less? These may seem like ridiculous thoughts, but my feelings are very real.

Perhaps what frightens me the most is that my daughter was born via caesarean section, for reasons I still don't fully comprehend. I have the scarlet letter stamped in my medical records, and already, at merely five weeks pregnant, I am experiencing an uphill battle. I need support- join my army, fight with me.

Firstly, midwifery care is sparse here. In a city with a metro population >1 million, we have ten practicing midwives. I was on the phone, control line on my HPT still developing, pants around my ankles and hands shaking, and I still was unable to procure a confirmed spot. Furthermore, there are only three local midwives who attend home VBACs, the other midwives prefer to attend them in hospital, and I firmly believe that the hospital is no place to give birth, but that is another post for another day.

I have started this Blog to help me along my way. I am damaged from my previous birth experience. I have lost faith in birth and in my body. Ina May assures us that we are not lemons, but allopathic professionals do a damn good job of convincing us otherwise. I have hope that writing here will help me heal, to nudge me along every step of the way. I have hope that over the next ten months I will have restored my self worth, and my confidence in my body. I have hope that my birth experience helps to heal the wounds of my past experience.

I just have hope.