This week, I was shocked to learn that I am pregnant.
This pregnancy is unplanned. It is not unwelcome, but being that I am the world's biggest control freak, being dealt a hand I didn't ask for is freaking me out. I am scared for myriad reasons. Will I love another baby as much as I love my daughter? When the new baby comes will I love my daughter less? These may seem like ridiculous thoughts, but my feelings are very real.
Perhaps what frightens me the most is that my daughter was born via caesarean section, for reasons I still don't fully comprehend. I have the scarlet letter stamped in my medical records, and already, at merely five weeks pregnant, I am experiencing an uphill battle. I need support- join my army, fight with me.
Firstly, midwifery care is sparse here. In a city with a metro population >1 million, we have ten practicing midwives. I was on the phone, control line on my HPT still developing, pants around my ankles and hands shaking, and I still was unable to procure a confirmed spot. Furthermore, there are only three local midwives who attend home VBACs, the other midwives prefer to attend them in hospital, and I firmly believe that the hospital is no place to give birth, but that is another post for another day.
I have started this Blog to help me along my way. I am damaged from my previous birth experience. I have lost faith in birth and in my body. Ina May assures us that we are not lemons, but allopathic professionals do a damn good job of convincing us otherwise. I have hope that writing here will help me heal, to nudge me along every step of the way. I have hope that over the next ten months I will have restored my self worth, and my confidence in my body. I have hope that my birth experience helps to heal the wounds of my past experience.
I just have hope.