Sunday, March 27, 2011

It begins.

This week, I was shocked to learn that I am pregnant.

This pregnancy is unplanned. It is not unwelcome, but being that I am the world's biggest control freak, being dealt a hand I didn't ask for is freaking me out. I am scared for myriad reasons. Will I love another baby as much as I love my daughter? When the new baby comes will I love my daughter less? These may seem like ridiculous thoughts, but my feelings are very real.

Perhaps what frightens me the most is that my daughter was born via caesarean section, for reasons I still don't fully comprehend. I have the scarlet letter stamped in my medical records, and already, at merely five weeks pregnant, I am experiencing an uphill battle. I need support- join my army, fight with me.

Firstly, midwifery care is sparse here. In a city with a metro population >1 million, we have ten practicing midwives. I was on the phone, control line on my HPT still developing, pants around my ankles and hands shaking, and I still was unable to procure a confirmed spot. Furthermore, there are only three local midwives who attend home VBACs, the other midwives prefer to attend them in hospital, and I firmly believe that the hospital is no place to give birth, but that is another post for another day.

I have started this Blog to help me along my way. I am damaged from my previous birth experience. I have lost faith in birth and in my body. Ina May assures us that we are not lemons, but allopathic professionals do a damn good job of convincing us otherwise. I have hope that writing here will help me heal, to nudge me along every step of the way. I have hope that over the next ten months I will have restored my self worth, and my confidence in my body. I have hope that my birth experience helps to heal the wounds of my past experience.

I just have hope.


  1. Congratulations and all the best! We're going through this at the same time - I just discovered that I'm pregnant, too! :)

  2. I'll send you all the positive Karma I can muster, Vyky! You're one of the strongest, most determined people I know-- and an inspiration to me in more ways than one :)

    Lyra is so lucky to have you for a mama, and so is this new little one!! <3

  3. Congratulations Vyky! Ina May is right, our bodies are not lemons! I very much look forward to following along with your journey to understanding the past and trusting birth and your body again! I know you are very well read on the subject but if you haven't read Birth Without Fear I'd be happy to lend it to you.

  4. I would love to read it, Shannon

    Lucky for me, I have a huge pile of birth books lying around from doula training, but Birth Without Fear wasn't one of them.

  5. Hey hey I sent hi earlier cause I wrote whole paragraph and then I wasn't logged in...anyways I am so excited for you. We had planned a home birth as well with Midwives here in Calgary but all did not go well. Jo's water broke early and we too were made to go to the hospital. So don't worry (make sure you talk to your midwives like I am sure that they will do) but sometimes that happens, and we had a wonderful experience. The midwives took over the room and we did not have to talk to a doctor until 20 min after Phoenix was born. (we had other issues to face as i will get into later)

    With our birthing plan and our midwives the hospital only provided a room for us and that is all. Other than that Jo was able to move around the room go into and out of the tub and bathroom and frankly the hospital was better equipt. with the bathroom area then our house room.

    (look into special birth rooms in edmonton a couple that we did a pre birthing class with said they did it in one)

    You should take a class there is no one in edmonton that does one I don't think at least not last year, that we could find but it helped me out a lot about what my role and how important it was (it really was) with giving different massages to help with the pain and counter pressure (this will be your new best friend)

    Advice my midwives gave to Jo (cause she was freaked about the hospital too) was ; Hosp: you need this done You or your partner; is it gonna kill her/me or the baby if I don't do this Hosp: no You: then don't do it.!!!

    BTW you don't need ANTIBIOTICS unless you actually have an STD (this is the eye drops for your baby) and I recommend that you don't do this

    Make sure you always do what is comfortable for you (I am really not telling you what to do just telling you what worked for us)

    Another thing I would suggest is pre booking your midwives appointments cause ours got booked really fast and our first three appointments we had to take times that were left, after that we booked all of them in advance and we got all the times we wanted. It helped with booking other needed appointments around these as needed.

    Wow congrats, I hope you don't mind me poking in from time to time with my comments and suggestions Make Chris get involved more...and remember that your one of the coolest people that I have ever met and that sometimes things don't got the way we want but it all works out.

  6. Hospitals suck! I'm leading the army for you (& the rest of this city's birthing women!), Vyky, let me know if I can help in any way :)

  7. I'm here for you!!! Mary aka merrywearer