I feel so beaten down already. I called the Royal Alex to request my records and they told me it would take six weeks to get them. Am I wrong to think that's a little excessive? As if they aren't completely computerized. So I inquired how long it would take if my doctor ordered them, and she said "Well.... 24-48 hours". Right. So me wanting to be knowledgeable about my own health history is such a burden right? In any case, I booked an appointment with my family doctor. Somehow, the stars have aligned for me and his receptionist managed to squeeze me in on Friday at lunch time. I'll have him request them for me, and hopefully have them early next week, so I can start to piece the details together.
I'm debating having him run Betas. I'm back and forth over whether or not I want to. One one hand, I am completely perplexed by my totally asymptomatic-ness. On the other hand, I spent my entire pregnancy with Lyra worrying about everything...
This is one issue I won't ever forget- prenatal testing and all of the awful, heartbreaking results that come out of them. They told me my daughter probably had down syndrome and/or cystic fibrosis, all because of a few clinically insignificant soft markers in her ultrasound. I assure you she has neither of those conditions. One of the doctors at the clinic even went so far as to tell to me the story of her 28 week stillborn baby. There is a time and a place for self-dosclosure, and that was definitely NOT one of them. it was completely inappropriate and I will never forget that.
Because of the horrible experiences we had with prenatal testing, I swore to myself I would never put myself through that again. Of course it's easy to say such a thing without being in that position again. I know I have no reason to be worried- I'm not experiencing any pain, I'm not bleeding, my gut isn't telling me that something is wrong. I just don't trust my body. After everything I've been told about my reproductive system, how can I?
First, I was told that I might not be able to carry a pregnancy to term, because of my mutant uterus (muterus? LOL). Then, when I did achieve pregnancy, they told me there was something wrong with my baby. Then, weeks later at a scan they decided everything was fine. Of course as you know, after my birth experience, they told me my body was incompetent.
How can I move past these hurtful stigmas? How can I regain trust and faith in myself? Can I put to rest thee ideas that I am broken? How do you move past this?