Monday, April 4, 2011

Some thoughts for today

I have to put some things out into the universe today.

I feel so guilty about the feelings I have and the choices I make.

Let's address the feelings first:
- I feel so "meh" about being pregnant. I didn't ask for this, and because I certainly did not plan it, feeling so unprepared is so alien. I am ALWAYS on top of it. On top of everything. I am so "alpha" in that respect. I just feel like the unpreparedness combined with the ambivalence will end up being this whole spiral of poor decision making. I can't afford to make bad decisions- I need to be able to carefully weigh my options and make informed choices.

About the decisions:
-I saw my GP on Friday, and he took a small history, kept calling my daughter "the previous pregnancy" (Umm, no, she is a sentient being), and suggested that I have an early ultrasound. There have been some little factors that have been eating away at me- my very dark test lines, early onset of symptoms, and I can feel my fundus at 6w4d. I think I would like to know if I'm farther along than my dates would suggest, or rule out the possibility of multiples.

I was asked just now what my body is telling me, and the question was like a punch to the stomach. Because I don't know! I like to think that I am in tune with my body, and that I am aware of what is happening inside of me. At least I thought I knew. I thought I knew my cycles and my signs of fertility, and I was confident in my ability to chart them, but yet I ended up pregnant while we were trying to avoid. And now I feel so confused about how "with myself" I actually am. I can't hear what my body s telling me.. All I can hear is "HOW IS THIS HAPPENING?!"

 I am just so confused and I feel simply uprooted. This is not doing anything for my confidence.


  1. this post has me in tears, for multiple reasons. One, I've been there. and I know how absolutely unsettling this situation can be. Two, because I KNOW you can do this, and that you will. *I* believe in you, and your ability to adapt and overcome.

    If I have to tell you every day, I will. You CAN do this.

  2. I'm sorry if it was me asking you what your body was telling you that made you upset, that was not my intent at all. I agree with the comment above- you CAN do this. Just believe in yourself.

  3. Don't feel bad, Alaire!! I know that was not your intent!!!

    It just took the wind out of me that I just... didn't know...

  4. You can't control everything and I truely believe things happen for a reason. This is one of those things.